The week has started off well here after taking a few days off last week to just kick back. Sometimes I need that anti-bullying break. If there is one thing I do on a daily basis, it is survive. In helping adult survivors, I am seeing and learning how far I have really come in my own healing. These things that seemed so important 15 years ago don’t seem so big now. For the most part, I look back and wonder how far I have really come. As I know one can heal from peer abuse, I now have this burning desire for other survivors to overcome these same demons.

One thing I try to understand is this whole mean girl concept. As children, we all had to deal with them. They were all over the school and neighborhood hungry for victims they could physically and psychologically devour. One would think that when they grew up and got a little life experience, they would leave these behaviors behind. Folks, that is the stuff that fairy tales are made of. I was posting on a message board online not long ago. I was taking the initiative to “play” on there and not be serious. I have a silly streak inside me and was exercising it on that particular day. One woman told on there that I was just “too sensitive” and she would not be around me. I explained why I posted what I did and my reply was “so, I have thus and such bother me and I do not act like this.” In some ways I was shocked. This was someone I do not even know yet someone I had always made an effort to be cordial to. So, I explained that I was not going to dwell on why someone does not like me based on something I posted. I had other ladies present who backed me up. However, I was a little shocked that a woman was willing to turn her back on me just because she thought I was too sensitive. Well, I am sensitive but, I am also strong willed, smart, accepting and have a strong social conscience. This woman has not spoken two words to me since that day. Now, I could bog myself down with thoughts of what I did to create this or offend her. Or, I can realize that it takes two for any discord to take place. I think the latter is a much better approach. Maybe I did not indicate to her that I was joking and forgot the “lol” at the end of the sentence. It is too bad because we are both middle age women who should have the maturity to sit down and talk this out without it taking an ugly turn. Yet, it is hard to talk anything out when someone has already made up their mind about you and not in a good way.

Dr. Robyn Silverman recently did a blog entitled “Woman to Woman: 7 Ways of Dealing with the Adult “Mean Girls” in your life” which I found to be helpful and interesting. Here are some suggestions she left:

1. Be grateful for the ones you got.

2. Realize it may not be what you think.

3. Approach them about it.

4. Pin point your contribution to the problem.

5. Discuss the general issue with other women.

6. Ask yourself; why do you need validation from this woman?

7. Step away.

I feel that Dr. Robyn left some great words of wisdom here but, I have to wonder how one can do this with an adult bully? Relational Aggression exists everywhere and not everyone outgrows this catty behavior. As adult survivors, I know we are affected a lot harder by these behaviors because they bring back so many unpleasant memories. The social isolation and exclusion not to mention being the target of vicious gossip takes a very long time to overcome. Also, I believe that we tend to seek validation from others more than we should. No, it is not good but, it goes with the territory. I am speaking in general here, there are exceptions to every rule. As someone who grew up being highly disliked by my peer group, I found myself as an adult constantly doing this and sometimes it is easy to fall back into this. We are human and we want to be accepted and liked. As humans, we are social beings and connection is important to us. However, these tips mentioned above certainly can be helpful to us in trying to heal and overcome these demons. Personally, I feel that adults who engage in this behavior are childish and immature. The good thing is that adult survivors do value friendships and generally make the best of friends. Plus, they have a strong handle on knowing what this behavior can do to others and would not wish it on anyone. Yes the empathy is there.

Survivors, you are beautiful. Yes, you are a work in progress and when you take the initiative towards healing, you will come out smelling like a rose. You are the ones who can really have a handle on this problem because you have been there. These steps above help and by taking it a day at a time, you can conquer it. I believe in all of you.