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Friends and Romance

May 16, 2012 By Peer Abuse Leave a Comment

I have been working on this eBook for quite a while.  As a result, I have
not been able to blog as I would have liked.  However, the book is finished, and there will be more blogging regarding the book, in the near future.

I have already sold several copies of my book.  One thing I wanted to do
while it was on sale, was discuss some of things in the book.  The book contains a lot of information for adults who survived childhood abuse by their peers.  I took some time to elaborate on some of the characteristics of these types of individuals.  I started with friends and romantic relationships with peers and potential spouses.

Suppose someone is abused by their peers on a regular basis, while growing up.  How can we expect them to trust, and make friends easily, as adults?  Is there any
logic to this?  This, however, seems to be expected in our society.  Every person’s situation is different, and chances are, some have been able to overcome this psychological (and often physical) trauma.  However, many cannot.  Adults who survived, tend to be “loners” or choose friends that are abusive.  Some, choose to avoid relationships, because they do not want to experience repeated rejection.  Bad relationships leave these individuals even more insecure, and in many cases, they feel like “third wheels” or “odd people out.”  I am speaking in general terms, of course.

As for dating and romance, some have been able to marry, while others are not so fortunate. How can we expect people to trust, if they never learned this, while growing up?  I have seen, in severe cases, that survivors fear intimacy.  This is common, among abuse survivors, not only in cases of peer abuse.

Our society expects normal behavior from the abused.  Many in our society are
uneducated regarding abuse and its effects; I wonder if this problem amplifies
the trauma.  Many survivors are currently trying to cope with, and succeed in spite of their P.T.S.D., anxiety issues, and reluctance to trust.  Yet, we expect
the abused to be well-adjusted? These are things to ponder.

I urge everyone to seek education, regarding this very important issue.  I
suggest getting to know someone who has been abused; they may be among the
nicest people you will ever meet.  These people may be in turmoil, but a little bit of nice can be mutually beneficial.

Check out my new eBook now on sale! A thanks to Natalie Larkowski for the editing on this piece.

 

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Book on sale: Grab a copy NOW!

April 23, 2012 By Peer Abuse Leave a Comment

Hey! Well, the book is FINALLY finished and now on sale. I never thought it would happen with all of the snags and mishaps that have gotten in the way. However, it is NOW on sale and here is information for you to know.

Book Highlights:

  • Peer Abuse and what is in a name
  • Psychological aspects of Peer Abuse
  • Resolutions in dealing with problems such as clinical depression, social anxiety and PTSD.
  • Resolutions in dealing with the abuser at school and work.
  • Relational Aggression which is covert abuse
  • Introducing the Adult Survivor of Peer Abuse
  • Great for Adult Survivors of Bullying/Peer Abuse

Yes, you read correctly! My book Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying from a Psychological Perspective is now in ebook form! What a great way to kick off  spring! Why run to Amazon or another website when you can get it right here? There are great advantages to purchasing this online.

Advantages:

  • You are buying the book now and can read right from the computer.
  • Each book is $5.00 U.S.
  • There are no shipping charges or taxes.
  • You get your copy immediately or soon after purchase. No waiting around.
  • Would make a great gift for anyone in the clinical field.

Here is all you need to do:

  1. Go to the Pay Pal button listed on the right side of this site for donations.
  2. Click on the Pay Pal Donation button. Donate $5.00 U.S.
  3. An email will be sent to me for confirmation and I will check it when I log on daily and before I log off for the day.
  4. You will get your copy in less that 24 hours of purchase.

Thats it! Its that simple! So, what are you waiting for! Come on! Grab your copy!

Any questions? Please email me at adultsurvivorofpeerabuse@gmail.com .

Disclaimer: Information in this book is advice based only. Elizabeth is not practicing psychotherapy at this point. Suggestions that are clinical and psychological are made in this book.  Please use these methods and suggestions responsibly. Thank you.

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Brian Kearney guest Q&A with Adult Survivor James McLaughlin

August 15, 2011 By Peer Abuse 1 Comment

James McLaughlin was bullied throughout Middle and High School, causing him severe anxiety and resulting in low self-esteem and missing hundreds of days of school.

Now, 19 years old and in college majoring in Journalism, James shares his story of courage and forgiveness through his beautiful pieces of writing. He strives to share his story and urges those who are bullied or feel “different” to be themselves, and to remember, it gets better.

James McLaughlin can be followed on Twitter @jimmymac1191. Click here to see his inspiring “It Gets Better” video. Be sure to check out his upcoming features in Out in New Jersey and Smythe Magazine.

Q: What has being a victim of bullying taught you?

A: Well, I do not look at myself as a victim of bullying; I believe that I have been a subject of bullying. With that said, being subjected to much bullying it has not just taught me so many things, but in a way enriched my life. Bullying has taught me to look for where the true problems lay in situations. The true problem was not with me, there is nothing wrong with me. The problem was with those who were offensive to me.  I realized this when I came to terms with the issues with myself, for a long time I was my biggest bully. Once I cleared the air with myself, I realized there is no shame in dealing with other’s harassment. It was a problem they had with themselves, my presence in their lives was simply bringing those issues that they had to the surface. The problem lied with them, I was the normal one, I was the happy one being myself.

Q: What advice would you give those who are being bullied

A: Advice I must give to those who are being bullied would be to not look for acceptance from others. Do not look for acceptance from any clique or any group of friends. The key to stopping bullying from affecting you is to find acceptance with one person… yourself. Once you accept yourself for who you are, the opinions of others become outrageously unimportant. It’s natural to seek the acceptance of your peers, we all want friends, and we all want to be well liked. Yet, when we don’t like ourselves, others will not like us. When I began liking who I was, others began liking me. I didn’t seek out acceptance from others, people began seeking my acceptance and it created a new group of friends, all of whom are each great, accepting individuals.

  Q: Did you do anything that helped you cope with being bullied?

A:  I believe the one thing that helped cope with others’ words would be dreaming. I’d dream of my future and what it would be like. I’d dream of a change that would turn the tables. My dreams never included anyone else’s nightmare, and so when the tables had turned and I had the power, I would forgive those who have done me wrong. I think peerabuse.net is an amazing place for you to visit because you have the opportunity to see into people with similar experiences. See their nightmares, see their dreams, and see their dreams come true and their nightmares die. Seeing this will inspire you to create your own dream for your own future.

 Q: If you could have done one thing differently, what would it be?

A: If I could have done something differently, I believe it would not have taken me to the place I am today. Just as I am today thankful for the negative experiences of my past, I am truly content with the choices that I have made. Because LGBT teens have a much higher likelihood of suicide, I am thankful that I am still here. With that, I know there is a large amount of people who wish they could have done something differently. I say this because these are things that cannot be undone. It is like watching a movie that you have seen before and hoping that something you know is going to happen, won’t happen. People cannot be brought back to life, yet there are so many who believe they have nothing left to live for, unlike many; you have life, and this should be reason enough.

 

 

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Yes! It hurts to be left out!

June 22, 2011 By Peer Abuse 2 Comments

Oh another week and lots to do. There was one article that struck me and stayed with me since last week. It is entitled Ostracism Causes Lingering Pain in the Brain and written by Dr. Amen. As a survivor, I will admit that in the past I had an abnormal fear of this happening in my social settings. In the present, I just feel a lot of pain when this happens. At the same time, I have learned that if people do not want me in their lives, it is their loss and not mine. However, at the end of the day, the pain is still there. After reading this article, I understand why. As a survivor who is an adult, I am so glad more and more is coming out about this form of abuse. It is like my own feelings are finally being validated. Yes, they are real and yes, it is a serious problem.

Our society teaches us to “suck it up” and “don’t worry about these things” and that this behavior is a “fact of life.” I have also said many times that our society is not well and now more than ever we are seeing this. It is hard to deny because it slaps us in the face on a daily basis. We can say these things do not bother us and throw these other excuses around or we can admit that we are not allowing ourselves to be human. It is human nature to want to be accepted and included as we are wired to be social beings.

According to this article, ostracism cuts deeper and lasts a lot longer than any physical pain. It is like a form of bullying that does not leave bruises on us. Also, there are three stages in ostracism and they are the actual act of being excluded, coping and resignation. Man, can I relate to these. During the first stage, people have learned that they have been left out and are hit with the harsh reality. The pain is there and is real. So, instead of moving on, many times we move to the second stage to cope. During this phase, we start acting out in ways that will garner acceptance. It is like going against what you believe or selling your soul to these people in some respect. I see a lot of Queen Bee’s use a lot of bargaining during this phase. This is why these abusers have so many followers. They do not want to be excluded. However, if still being excluded and have been coping and getting nowhere, people will generally turn towards aggressive means or they give up completely. This is known as resignation. If the person has tried hard enough and still cannot get that acceptance, they take it into their own hands or just move on. I believe this is where school shooters come in. They have tried, worked hard, followed, sold their soul and done everything but still nothing changes. So, they take things into their own hands. Folks, a person can only take so much until they snap.

As I have been healing, I have learned to seek healthy relationships and people who accept and not reject me. This meant getting toxic people out of my life and keeping them out. It meant learning healthy social habits and staying away from people who do not want me. Are their times when I wanted to be accepted? Sure! I am human and more times will crop up. However, I have the wisdom now to know the difference.

If anyone is dealing with this and has done so in high doses, please seek a kind and accepting therapist. In the meantime, please try to love people as they are. We are so hardened these days and we want people to be just like us. That is impossible; no two people are alike. However, we can go back to the golden rule. Treat others as we wish to be treated. Something to certainly think about here.

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Oh! Those mean girls!

June 8, 2011 By Peer Abuse 3 Comments

The week has started off well here after taking a few days off last week to just kick back. Sometimes I need that anti-bullying break. If there is one thing I do on a daily basis, it is survive. In helping adult survivors, I am seeing and learning how far I have really come in my own healing. These things that seemed so important 15 years ago don’t seem so big now. For the most part, I look back and wonder how far I have really come. As I know one can heal from peer abuse, I now have this burning desire for other survivors to overcome these same demons.

One thing I try to understand is this whole mean girl concept. As children, we all had to deal with them. They were all over the school and neighborhood hungry for victims they could physically and psychologically devour. One would think that when they grew up and got a little life experience, they would leave these behaviors behind. Folks, that is the stuff that fairy tales are made of. I was posting on a message board online not long ago. I was taking the initiative to “play” on there and not be serious. I have a silly streak inside me and was exercising it on that particular day. One woman told on there that I was just “too sensitive” and she would not be around me. I explained why I posted what I did and my reply was “so, I have thus and such bother me and I do not act like this.” In some ways I was shocked. This was someone I do not even know yet someone I had always made an effort to be cordial to. So, I explained that I was not going to dwell on why someone does not like me based on something I posted. I had other ladies present who backed me up. However, I was a little shocked that a woman was willing to turn her back on me just because she thought I was too sensitive. Well, I am sensitive but, I am also strong willed, smart, accepting and have a strong social conscience. This woman has not spoken two words to me since that day. Now, I could bog myself down with thoughts of what I did to create this or offend her. Or, I can realize that it takes two for any discord to take place. I think the latter is a much better approach. Maybe I did not indicate to her that I was joking and forgot the “lol” at the end of the sentence. It is too bad because we are both middle age women who should have the maturity to sit down and talk this out without it taking an ugly turn. Yet, it is hard to talk anything out when someone has already made up their mind about you and not in a good way.

Dr. Robyn Silverman recently did a blog entitled “Woman to Woman: 7 Ways of Dealing with the Adult “Mean Girls” in your life” which I found to be helpful and interesting. Here are some suggestions she left:

1. Be grateful for the ones you got.

2. Realize it may not be what you think.

3. Approach them about it.

4. Pin point your contribution to the problem.

5. Discuss the general issue with other women.

6. Ask yourself; why do you need validation from this woman?

7. Step away.

I feel that Dr. Robyn left some great words of wisdom here but, I have to wonder how one can do this with an adult bully? Relational Aggression exists everywhere and not everyone outgrows this catty behavior. As adult survivors, I know we are affected a lot harder by these behaviors because they bring back so many unpleasant memories. The social isolation and exclusion not to mention being the target of vicious gossip takes a very long time to overcome. Also, I believe that we tend to seek validation from others more than we should. No, it is not good but, it goes with the territory. I am speaking in general here, there are exceptions to every rule. As someone who grew up being highly disliked by my peer group, I found myself as an adult constantly doing this and sometimes it is easy to fall back into this. We are human and we want to be accepted and liked. As humans, we are social beings and connection is important to us. However, these tips mentioned above certainly can be helpful to us in trying to heal and overcome these demons. Personally, I feel that adults who engage in this behavior are childish and immature. The good thing is that adult survivors do value friendships and generally make the best of friends. Plus, they have a strong handle on knowing what this behavior can do to others and would not wish it on anyone. Yes the empathy is there.

Survivors, you are beautiful. Yes, you are a work in progress and when you take the initiative towards healing, you will come out smelling like a rose. You are the ones who can really have a handle on this problem because you have been there. These steps above help and by taking it a day at a time, you can conquer it. I believe in all of you.

　

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Gosh! Will it ever end?

May 19, 2011 By Peer Abuse 5 Comments

This week has been quite interesting. However, what grabbed my attention and kept it was the recent two part episode of Dr. Phil entitled Bullies Beware. The viewers got to spend the first part with a self-professed bully. The second episode gave us a 13-year-old young man who was abused by peers in elementary school. He became an abuser by middle school. The kid was quite honest; he said he enjoyed the power that came with being an abuser as it was a rush. He even stated that “he was addicted to bullying.” As he is still in the developmental years, there is a good chance he can be reformed without many complications. Heck even his mother was considered a bully. It seemed as if she owned her bad behavior and was willing to reform in that area. The one that got my goat was this self-professed bully on Monday and part of Tuesday.

This woman is 26-years-old and seems quite proud of herself. She is also the epitome of what I consider a hard core bully to be. What I mean by hard core is the organic, true Queen Bee who has followers to do her dirty work. Not a pseudo-bully like we find in the “little workers” of the Queen. I am guessing she went through school manipulating and charming those around her. Let me take a few minutes and list some of her activities:

1. She says people will respect her whether they want to or not. She demands it. (um, controlling much?)

2. When she is in line waiting for gas, she will go up to the car in front of her and tell the owner that they need to move because her car is better than theirs. (Oh, it’s that sense of entitlement speaking out!)

3. Her cousin has Down Syndrome and she makes fun of her. (Okay, your lack of empathy is screaming through here)

4. Handicapped parking should not exist and she parks in these places because she can. (oh wow, more entitlement here! Does it ever end??)

5. She mishandled a tea cup poodle that belongs to her friend. (Um, those who harm animals usually are those with anti-social personality problems)

6. Oh and the most important tip off. A mother of a child who was abused by his peers confronted her and her behavior. Her response? “See, she is bullying ME!” This is so common of adult bullies. They spin things like this and are good at it.

Let us get a glimpse of this woman in action. The video was taken from Dr. Phil Show Channel on You Tube.

Adult Bully

As an adult survivor, I found her to be disturbing. Her lack of remorse or conscience was evident. Also, the narcissism that radiated through her and that dang sense of entitlement. One thing she did not lack was self-esteem. This woman was so arrogant and full of herself. It was hard to watch her to be honest. Yes, I have encountered this ilk all of my life. Yup, they gave me enough grief to last me 2300 lifetimes and then some. They were so good that they eventually made me believe I was the disgusting piece of crap they kept telling me I was. Well, not any longer. Their dysfunction is evident and it must suck to be them. Who do I blame for people like this? I blame society and their lack of knowledge for so long. As a child, I tried to make adults aware of this behavior in others only to be told I was “too sensitive”. Nobody wanted to put the stops out and hold these people accountable for their ilk. As a result, we have people like this woman in our society and are appalled at how they behave. We shouldn’t be! We created these monsters by not standing up to them and following them wanting to be a part of their world. As for this woman on the show, I do not know if she was a Queen Bee growing up or if she was abused by her peers. However, what I saw on that show was a perfect example of what comes of allowing this problem to fester. Not only do the abused suffer but so do those being abused. In many ways I pity her. I would not think it would be fun to run around without any conscience. I would miss out on really caring about others. Plus, the entitlement would leave me disappointed time and again as I would not always get the red carpet treatment.

Please, we do not need any more children growing up to be like this woman. Talk to your kids about this problem. Bystanders, stand up to these abusers and stop trying to be “wannabees.” Is this what we want for our future? Something to seriously think about here.

　

 

 

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The loss of social empathy & social pain

May 4, 2011 By Peer Abuse 4 Comments

     I work daily online and talk to many people from different places in the world. Facebook is a very active place to go and interact with others. I do a lot of reading and observing as well. As the internet brings the world together, it’s not uncommon to talk to someone in the U.K or in the Ukraine all in the same day. The cultural differences are evident in these posts that I read. However, one constant remains the same and that is social exclusion and lack of social empathy. I am not targeting one particular group, culture or individual here, but am speaking as a whole. Adult Survivors of Peer Abuse grew up in a world where empathy was lacking in their social pain. If we cried, we were told to grow up and stop acting like a baby. However, if it was a case of rape or child abuse, oh boy did people run and empathize to the hilt. Even if it was a physical case, people were so sad. These situations warranted prayer and concern. Yet, when it came to social pain and abuse, it was as if people just turned a blind eye and shrugged it off. I think this is one reason why we are so sensitive socially and pick up on every headshake, word and glare thrown our way. Also, why we are so reactive and are triggered in social situations. It is as if we expect others to lash out at us if we say what is on our minds or complain about how others are making us feel. Peer Abuse is without a doubt something that must be experienced before it can be understood.

     A study was conducted by the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology and shared on the Livescience website. In this study, adults were playing a game of ball-toss. This was done online where the ball was thrown by one person to two other players. Some participants received the ball a fair 1/3 of the time. This was considered the inclusion condition. Others were tossed the ball 10 percent of the time which was considered exclusion condition. Another group which was the control group did not participate in the game at all. Ratings were based on an 11-point scale, each point represented by a facial expression showing an increasing magnitude of pain. Those excluded students indicated a significantly higher pain experience linked to the two social-exclusion scenarios compared with the inclusion group (4.6 versus 3.7). For the other scenarios, the pain ratings didn’t differ between the groups. Three other experiments using the cyberball game, with various tweaks, showed similar results. In one, the players had to indicate how a victim of bullying (named Anna) felt after “Roger” teased her, shouting “earthquake” when she passed by due to her being overweight. The exclusion students rated her pain an average of 5.5 versus 4.3 rating from the inclusion group. At the end of the day, it showed that social pain as much as if not more than any other pain someone would experience.

     Folks, it’s time to get real here. Social pain is very real and as you see, it matters to others just as much as any other type of pain would. I am seeing so much lack of social empathy online. People in forums just ignoring others. Then, some will exclude others in offline activities and continuously rub this into those who are not included in these activities. Facebook and Twitter are hotbeds for this. If the person was to speak up, they would get flamed, told to get lost or to stop being so sensitive. Newsflash: these things DO hurt! As an adult survivor myself, I have found myself in many of these situations. As a survivor, what have I done? Sat at the computer and cried. If I spoke out, I got told how silly I was being and childish. I will always have this with me because I am a survivor. However, I have learned to handle it. Plus, I am not alone here. Why do we do this? What makes it okay to verbally ignore others? What is missing with us? Manners have flown out the window and it’s bad to have them these days. Our society has taught us that this lack of empathy is acceptable! People, words hurt! Not only that, but they kill. I can answer all of these questions and that is lacking social empathy or pain for others is not acceptable and this is the culture we have created. We keep quiet about our pain and by doing so we allow this to fester and continue.

     The next time you are online, please try and interact with as many people as you can. A recognition or a smile can make a person’s day. Kindness can go a long way. It’s not hard to do. As humans, don’t we all deserve to be included? Something for us all to think about.

　

 

 

 

 

　

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Abuse lasts a Lifetime

March 31, 2011 By Peer Abuse 11 Comments

 Another day and another story on Peer Abuse aka Bullying. As this is my life’s work, I am always reading something on the subject. Not a day goes by that I do not hear a story or two about this problem. Of course it’s a problem not to mention a physical and mental health epidemic.

An article entitled The Pain of Bullying is Something We Carry With Us Our Entire Lives by Ellen Ratner stood out to me. She was part of the White House Press Corps when President Obama held a conference on bullying earlier this month. Ms. Ratner shared her experience of second grade where a girl named Debbie was abused relentlessly in her class. Ms. Ratner followed the abusers; her goal was not to be the one abused. Of course, this meant giving up her freedom each day at recess while the abusers penned everyone to a wall and leaving her feeling trapped. I have always said that as people, we will do what we can to survive and a lot of time means giving these abusers power over us. Ms. Ratner also mentioned that as an adult, she is a friend on Facebook with a couple of these abusers. Debbie passed away in her forties. We never learned of how she was affected by all of this but, I can imagine. Ms. Ratner is still with us and admitted this stayed with her after all of this time and she got off rather easy.

Ms. Ratners story is one of a child doing what she could to socially survive. Also, one of a bystander who did not have the knowledge or resources to know what to do in this situation except to cater to her Queen Bee’s. I do not blame Ms. Ratner for the social problem here but, the adults who stayed inside drinking coffee while all of this was occurring at school. Ms. Ratner also has memories but, evidently did not have the trauma and pain that scarred her for life. Yes, memories are there but, scars?

I have said this once and will say it again. Not all of these stories wind up with happily ever afters. While we have the media sharing these warm fuzzy stories, I get to talk and listen to the adults who are medicated for life because of this abuse. The ones who are afraid to leave their homes as a result of this. Or, those who cannot maintain any relationships outside their families of origin because they never had the opportunity to learn how and in a healthy manner. Lets not forget those who are in our workplaces and are being traumatized once again. I am glad Ms. Ratner was able to get beyond this with memories only. Lets also be aware that not all of these stories end this way. Yes, some abusers apologize but, not all do. Why are we not talking about that?

I do agree that we have a long way to go in this fight and one that we are not prone to excuse in the future. Part of this is education and education means learning some harsh realities in this problem and that not all stories wind up with happily ever after. Please, take off the rose colored glasses and get to the meat of the problem. Once we do that, then maybe we can really start to move forward. It sure is something we need to consider.

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