You are here: Home / Archives for adult survivors of bullying
post

Adult Survivors: This may interest you

September 7, 2011 By Peer Abuse 3 Comments

   Hello, I have been in touch with Firecracker Films and they are seeking stories on the B word. The age limit is up to 24 so those adult survivors who are between 18-24 are eligible to participate. See contact information below. Have a good day :)

Have you been the victim of bullying or are you currently being bullied? Do you have an inspirational story that’s seen you overcome your abuse? Would you like the chance to share your experiences?

 MTV and Firecracker Films are making a powerful and groundbreaking film that explores the universal stories of young people all over the world who have been affected by bullying, and gives a voice to those who want to make a stand.

 So, if you’ve been bullied, are being bullied at the moment or have a story that will give others hope then please get in touch, as our experienced team would love to hear from you. There is absolutely no obligation to take part – we’d just like to tell you more about the project and see if it’s something you’d like to be involved in. And don’t worry it won’t involve lots of intrusive filming either. All correspondence will be dealt with in total confidence.

We believe this project is important and unique in giving a voice to those who have fallen victim to bullying – thanks and we hope to hear from you soon.

 You can contact us at Emma.Findlay@firecrackerfilms.com or Yourstory@firecrackerfilms.com  or alternatively by phone on +44 (0)207 349 3492.  

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: , , ,
post

The class reunion

September 1, 2011 By Peer Abuse 3 Comments

 

Well, another week and yes, I admit I have been slack in blogging. It’s my bad and I admit it. Summer has a way of taking up extra energy and the temperatures here in the deep south have been scorching. Plus, caring for my mother takes a lot of energy. It is like I am the adult and she is the child. Anyway….on to the purpose of this blog.

As a survivor, I will admit that I have not attended my high schools 10th or 20th reunions. Why? Well duh….revisiting the past is not my personal idea of fun. True, I have had an abuser/bully apologize to me via email a few years ago, one find me on My Space and another send a friend request on Facebook. I accepted the apology from the email, offered condolences to the one on My Space as her mother passed away and blocked the one on Facebook. I had heard that the one from Facebook had not changed a bit since the terror she brought me, but gotten worse. However, it did seem that the one from email had matured and was concerned for her own children and their safety. At the same time, this has not led me to go look up everyone online and get all excited about the reunions. As a matter of fact, I had to call someone from the reunion committee and ask them that they cease with the emails about this festive affair back in the summer of 06. I will admit that even though I have come a long way in healing, some of these individuals still haunt me in my dreams. Despite my personal choice not to go take a night and relive the past, it does not mean that other survivors will do the same. I get emails all the time from survivors and some share my attitude while others have no problem going back. Some have had these abusers apologize to them online or in person. There is one case where the abuser and the abused became friends as adults through Facebook. At the same time, I have heard horror stories where the person was traumatized once again by their abuser and they were hurt once again. So, it is a mixed bag so to speak.

I picked up an article this week which gave great advice on dealing with this dilemma that survivors face every 10 years or so. I believe contacting the reunion committee and finding out who will be there is a great start. In my case, they found me first, but it may not be the same for everyone. I suggest finding someone on the committee that did not add to any abuse and talking to them and if you feel like it, share with them your thoughts. I had no trouble doing that and the feedback was positive and the committee member had no idea what pain I was in from this. Also, it is true that the abuser has probably forgotten their dirty deeds from back in the day so they may approach the abused with ignorance. What I really appreciated about the article was the fact that they did not make it sound like all was well in childhood bully land. You see, many believe that this behavior is outgrown and every abuser will apologize and live happily ever after. However, not all grow up, but some grow worse. Adult bullies/abusers are a lot more sophisticated in their abuse and tend to turn to relational aggressive tactics in handling the abused. Sure, they are “nice” and may “apologize” but one must never be too careful. As an adult, the abused and abuser do not “know” each other so initial conversation will come off as polite. Adults do not run around shouting “Becky has cooties” like children do, but are cordial for the most part. I also saw a great video on the psychopath and the different types. Some of these psychopaths started life as childhood bullies/abusers. It is a video I believe any survivor or anyone in society needs to watch. It is not the pictures used in the video that are important (I disagree with some of them that are used) but it is the content. Listen to what is being said and described.

So, should a survivor hit up the reunion? My advice is if they go to proceed with caution and the same with Facebook or other social network connections. I will always stay on the side of caution when it comes to this. I am not about to put anyone at risk. At the same time, this is a personal decision and one that not everyone may need to make in moving forward. Some will need this closure while others can get closure in other ways. The important thing is healing and moving forward. I only want the best for every survivor out there as we deserve it!

Resources: WordPress is not letting me add these links into this post and is being a pain so will leave them here:

 http://www.sacbee.com/2011/08/29/3869005/how-to-survive-the-bully-at-your.html

 http://beforeitsnews.com/story/987/483/Psychopaths:_The_Predators_Around_Us.html

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
post

Brian Kearney guest Q&A with Adult Survivor James McLaughlin

August 15, 2011 By Peer Abuse 2 Comments

James McLaughlin was bullied throughout Middle and High School, causing him severe anxiety and resulting in low self-esteem and missing hundreds of days of school.

Now, 19 years old and in college majoring in Journalism, James shares his story of courage and forgiveness through his beautiful pieces of writing. He strives to share his story and urges those who are bullied or feel “different” to be themselves, and to remember, it gets better.

James McLaughlin can be followed on Twitter @jimmymac1191. Click here to see his inspiring “It Gets Better” video. Be sure to check out his upcoming features in Out in New Jersey and Smythe Magazine.

Q: What has being a victim of bullying taught you?

A: Well, I do not look at myself as a victim of bullying; I believe that I have been a subject of bullying. With that said, being subjected to much bullying it has not just taught me so many things, but in a way enriched my life. Bullying has taught me to look for where the true problems lay in situations. The true problem was not with me, there is nothing wrong with me. The problem was with those who were offensive to me.  I realized this when I came to terms with the issues with myself, for a long time I was my biggest bully. Once I cleared the air with myself, I realized there is no shame in dealing with other’s harassment. It was a problem they had with themselves, my presence in their lives was simply bringing those issues that they had to the surface. The problem lied with them, I was the normal one, I was the happy one being myself.

Q: What advice would you give those who are being bullied

A: Advice I must give to those who are being bullied would be to not look for acceptance from others. Do not look for acceptance from any clique or any group of friends. The key to stopping bullying from affecting you is to find acceptance with one person… yourself. Once you accept yourself for who you are, the opinions of others become outrageously unimportant. It’s natural to seek the acceptance of your peers, we all want friends, and we all want to be well liked. Yet, when we don’t like ourselves, others will not like us. When I began liking who I was, others began liking me. I didn’t seek out acceptance from others, people began seeking my acceptance and it created a new group of friends, all of whom are each great, accepting individuals.

  Q: Did you do anything that helped you cope with being bullied?

A:  I believe the one thing that helped cope with others’ words would be dreaming. I’d dream of my future and what it would be like. I’d dream of a change that would turn the tables. My dreams never included anyone else’s nightmare, and so when the tables had turned and I had the power, I would forgive those who have done me wrong. I think peerabuse.net is an amazing place for you to visit because you have the opportunity to see into people with similar experiences. See their nightmares, see their dreams, and see their dreams come true and their nightmares die. Seeing this will inspire you to create your own dream for your own future.

 Q: If you could have done one thing differently, what would it be?

A: If I could have done something differently, I believe it would not have taken me to the place I am today. Just as I am today thankful for the negative experiences of my past, I am truly content with the choices that I have made. Because LGBT teens have a much higher likelihood of suicide, I am thankful that I am still here. With that, I know there is a large amount of people who wish they could have done something differently. I say this because these are things that cannot be undone. It is like watching a movie that you have seen before and hoping that something you know is going to happen, won’t happen. People cannot be brought back to life, yet there are so many who believe they have nothing left to live for, unlike many; you have life, and this should be reason enough.

 

 

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: , , , , , ,
post

Oh! Those mean girls!

June 8, 2011 By Peer Abuse 4 Comments

The week has started off well here after taking a few days off last week to just kick back. Sometimes I need that anti-bullying break. If there is one thing I do on a daily basis, it is survive. In helping adult survivors, I am seeing and learning how far I have really come in my own healing. These things that seemed so important 15 years ago don’t seem so big now. For the most part, I look back and wonder how far I have really come. As I know one can heal from peer abuse, I now have this burning desire for other survivors to overcome these same demons.

One thing I try to understand is this whole mean girl concept. As children, we all had to deal with them. They were all over the school and neighborhood hungry for victims they could physically and psychologically devour. One would think that when they grew up and got a little life experience, they would leave these behaviors behind. Folks, that is the stuff that fairy tales are made of. I was posting on a message board online not long ago. I was taking the initiative to “play” on there and not be serious. I have a silly streak inside me and was exercising it on that particular day. One woman told on there that I was just “too sensitive” and she would not be around me. I explained why I posted what I did and my reply was “so, I have thus and such bother me and I do not act like this.” In some ways I was shocked. This was someone I do not even know yet someone I had always made an effort to be cordial to. So, I explained that I was not going to dwell on why someone does not like me based on something I posted. I had other ladies present who backed me up. However, I was a little shocked that a woman was willing to turn her back on me just because she thought I was too sensitive. Well, I am sensitive but, I am also strong willed, smart, accepting and have a strong social conscience. This woman has not spoken two words to me since that day. Now, I could bog myself down with thoughts of what I did to create this or offend her. Or, I can realize that it takes two for any discord to take place. I think the latter is a much better approach. Maybe I did not indicate to her that I was joking and forgot the “lol” at the end of the sentence. It is too bad because we are both middle age women who should have the maturity to sit down and talk this out without it taking an ugly turn. Yet, it is hard to talk anything out when someone has already made up their mind about you and not in a good way.

Dr. Robyn Silverman recently did a blog entitled “Woman to Woman: 7 Ways of Dealing with the Adult “Mean Girls” in your life” which I found to be helpful and interesting. Here are some suggestions she left:

1. Be grateful for the ones you got.

2. Realize it may not be what you think.

3. Approach them about it.

4. Pin point your contribution to the problem.

5. Discuss the general issue with other women.

6. Ask yourself; why do you need validation from this woman?

7. Step away.

I feel that Dr. Robyn left some great words of wisdom here but, I have to wonder how one can do this with an adult bully? Relational Aggression exists everywhere and not everyone outgrows this catty behavior. As adult survivors, I know we are affected a lot harder by these behaviors because they bring back so many unpleasant memories. The social isolation and exclusion not to mention being the target of vicious gossip takes a very long time to overcome. Also, I believe that we tend to seek validation from others more than we should. No, it is not good but, it goes with the territory. I am speaking in general here, there are exceptions to every rule. As someone who grew up being highly disliked by my peer group, I found myself as an adult constantly doing this and sometimes it is easy to fall back into this. We are human and we want to be accepted and liked. As humans, we are social beings and connection is important to us. However, these tips mentioned above certainly can be helpful to us in trying to heal and overcome these demons. Personally, I feel that adults who engage in this behavior are childish and immature. The good thing is that adult survivors do value friendships and generally make the best of friends. Plus, they have a strong handle on knowing what this behavior can do to others and would not wish it on anyone. Yes the empathy is there.

Survivors, you are beautiful. Yes, you are a work in progress and when you take the initiative towards healing, you will come out smelling like a rose. You are the ones who can really have a handle on this problem because you have been there. These steps above help and by taking it a day at a time, you can conquer it. I believe in all of you.

　

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: , , , , ,