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The class reunion

September 1, 2011 By Peer Abuse 3 Comments

 

Well, another week and yes, I admit I have been slack in blogging. It’s my bad and I admit it. Summer has a way of taking up extra energy and the temperatures here in the deep south have been scorching. Plus, caring for my mother takes a lot of energy. It is like I am the adult and she is the child. Anyway….on to the purpose of this blog.

As a survivor, I will admit that I have not attended my high schools 10th or 20th reunions. Why? Well duh….revisiting the past is not my personal idea of fun. True, I have had an abuser/bully apologize to me via email a few years ago, one find me on My Space and another send a friend request on Facebook. I accepted the apology from the email, offered condolences to the one on My Space as her mother passed away and blocked the one on Facebook. I had heard that the one from Facebook had not changed a bit since the terror she brought me, but gotten worse. However, it did seem that the one from email had matured and was concerned for her own children and their safety. At the same time, this has not led me to go look up everyone online and get all excited about the reunions. As a matter of fact, I had to call someone from the reunion committee and ask them that they cease with the emails about this festive affair back in the summer of 06. I will admit that even though I have come a long way in healing, some of these individuals still haunt me in my dreams. Despite my personal choice not to go take a night and relive the past, it does not mean that other survivors will do the same. I get emails all the time from survivors and some share my attitude while others have no problem going back. Some have had these abusers apologize to them online or in person. There is one case where the abuser and the abused became friends as adults through Facebook. At the same time, I have heard horror stories where the person was traumatized once again by their abuser and they were hurt once again. So, it is a mixed bag so to speak.

I picked up an article this week which gave great advice on dealing with this dilemma that survivors face every 10 years or so. I believe contacting the reunion committee and finding out who will be there is a great start. In my case, they found me first, but it may not be the same for everyone. I suggest finding someone on the committee that did not add to any abuse and talking to them and if you feel like it, share with them your thoughts. I had no trouble doing that and the feedback was positive and the committee member had no idea what pain I was in from this. Also, it is true that the abuser has probably forgotten their dirty deeds from back in the day so they may approach the abused with ignorance. What I really appreciated about the article was the fact that they did not make it sound like all was well in childhood bully land. You see, many believe that this behavior is outgrown and every abuser will apologize and live happily ever after. However, not all grow up, but some grow worse. Adult bullies/abusers are a lot more sophisticated in their abuse and tend to turn to relational aggressive tactics in handling the abused. Sure, they are “nice” and may “apologize” but one must never be too careful. As an adult, the abused and abuser do not “know” each other so initial conversation will come off as polite. Adults do not run around shouting “Becky has cooties” like children do, but are cordial for the most part. I also saw a great video on the psychopath and the different types. Some of these psychopaths started life as childhood bullies/abusers. It is a video I believe any survivor or anyone in society needs to watch. It is not the pictures used in the video that are important (I disagree with some of them that are used) but it is the content. Listen to what is being said and described.

So, should a survivor hit up the reunion? My advice is if they go to proceed with caution and the same with Facebook or other social network connections. I will always stay on the side of caution when it comes to this. I am not about to put anyone at risk. At the same time, this is a personal decision and one that not everyone may need to make in moving forward. Some will need this closure while others can get closure in other ways. The important thing is healing and moving forward. I only want the best for every survivor out there as we deserve it!

Resources: WordPress is not letting me add these links into this post and is being a pain so will leave them here:

 http://www.sacbee.com/2011/08/29/3869005/how-to-survive-the-bully-at-your.html

 http://beforeitsnews.com/story/987/483/Psychopaths:_The_Predators_Around_Us.html

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Gosh! Will it ever end?

May 19, 2011 By Peer Abuse 6 Comments

This week has been quite interesting. However, what grabbed my attention and kept it was the recent two part episode of Dr. Phil entitled Bullies Beware. The viewers got to spend the first part with a self-professed bully. The second episode gave us a 13-year-old young man who was abused by peers in elementary school. He became an abuser by middle school. The kid was quite honest; he said he enjoyed the power that came with being an abuser as it was a rush. He even stated that “he was addicted to bullying.” As he is still in the developmental years, there is a good chance he can be reformed without many complications. Heck even his mother was considered a bully. It seemed as if she owned her bad behavior and was willing to reform in that area. The one that got my goat was this self-professed bully on Monday and part of Tuesday.

This woman is 26-years-old and seems quite proud of herself. She is also the epitome of what I consider a hard core bully to be. What I mean by hard core is the organic, true Queen Bee who has followers to do her dirty work. Not a pseudo-bully like we find in the “little workers” of the Queen. I am guessing she went through school manipulating and charming those around her. Let me take a few minutes and list some of her activities:

1. She says people will respect her whether they want to or not. She demands it. (um, controlling much?)

2. When she is in line waiting for gas, she will go up to the car in front of her and tell the owner that they need to move because her car is better than theirs. (Oh, it’s that sense of entitlement speaking out!)

3. Her cousin has Down Syndrome and she makes fun of her. (Okay, your lack of empathy is screaming through here)

4. Handicapped parking should not exist and she parks in these places because she can. (oh wow, more entitlement here! Does it ever end??)

5. She mishandled a tea cup poodle that belongs to her friend. (Um, those who harm animals usually are those with anti-social personality problems)

6. Oh and the most important tip off. A mother of a child who was abused by his peers confronted her and her behavior. Her response? “See, she is bullying ME!” This is so common of adult bullies. They spin things like this and are good at it.

Let us get a glimpse of this woman in action. The video was taken from Dr. Phil Show Channel on You Tube.

Adult Bully

As an adult survivor, I found her to be disturbing. Her lack of remorse or conscience was evident. Also, the narcissism that radiated through her and that dang sense of entitlement. One thing she did not lack was self-esteem. This woman was so arrogant and full of herself. It was hard to watch her to be honest. Yes, I have encountered this ilk all of my life. Yup, they gave me enough grief to last me 2300 lifetimes and then some. They were so good that they eventually made me believe I was the disgusting piece of crap they kept telling me I was. Well, not any longer. Their dysfunction is evident and it must suck to be them. Who do I blame for people like this? I blame society and their lack of knowledge for so long. As a child, I tried to make adults aware of this behavior in others only to be told I was “too sensitive”. Nobody wanted to put the stops out and hold these people accountable for their ilk. As a result, we have people like this woman in our society and are appalled at how they behave. We shouldn’t be! We created these monsters by not standing up to them and following them wanting to be a part of their world. As for this woman on the show, I do not know if she was a Queen Bee growing up or if she was abused by her peers. However, what I saw on that show was a perfect example of what comes of allowing this problem to fester. Not only do the abused suffer but so do those being abused. In many ways I pity her. I would not think it would be fun to run around without any conscience. I would miss out on really caring about others. Plus, the entitlement would leave me disappointed time and again as I would not always get the red carpet treatment.

Please, we do not need any more children growing up to be like this woman. Talk to your kids about this problem. Bystanders, stand up to these abusers and stop trying to be “wannabees.” Is this what we want for our future? Something to seriously think about here.

　

 

 

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